


You Were the Hands That Held Me

by my_little_nightmare



Category: Renegades - Marissa Meyer
Genre: F/F, Fluffy and angsty, Kinda, Soulmate AU, tw abuse, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28663461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_little_nightmare/pseuds/my_little_nightmare
Summary: Danissa soulmate au.  narcissa’s pov.  Kinda angsty, but also fluffy.tw: self harm, and mentions of abuse kindaworld where everyone has a soulmate, and any mark that is on their body, is on your body.
Relationships: Danna Bell | Monarch/Narcissa Cronin
Kudos: 4





	You Were the Hands That Held Me

Narcissa stared at her arm in awe. This was the first time her soulmate had ever drawn something on her skin. She had felt the same cuts and bruises her soulmate had received, just like everyone else, but this was the first time her soulmate had deliberately marked her own skin.  
Messy butterflies with uneven wings, and twisted antennas marched down Narcissa’s forearm.   
“Oh,” she whispered. “Cool.” She grabbed the nearest marked, and held it poised above the other arm, ready to reply, but thought better of it.   
She shouldn’t force her soulmate to stop their art for Narcissa. She dropped the marker, and kept watching the thick lines as they covered her entire arm.   
That night she washed it all away in scalding hot water before her grandfather noticed. He wouldn’t approve of Narcissa communicating with her soulmate.   
He hated the idea of How there was one person in the world, waiting just for you.   
His soulmate had died years ago, leaving him heartbroken and angry, bitter to the world.   
If Narcissa wasn’t careful, he might take the anger out on her.   
Narcissa could take it, but she didn’t want to hurt her soulmate too. Narcissa would feel awful.   
So she tried to ignore the small flowers and butterflies her soulmate drew constantly. Narcissa tried her very best.   
\---  
Years later, Narcissa wrote to her soulmate for the first time. It was in the middle of the night, when Narcissa had felt a searing pain across her arm that looked like a red slit across her pale skin.   
Her soulmate was in trouble. She couldn’t just stand by now. Narcissa had to do something.   
Grabbing a tissue to staunch the bleeding, Narcissa scrawled across her hand in thick ink.   
STOP  
I can’t , her soulmate replied.   
Please, just hear me out, Narcissa wrote, hoping she could do enough. Hoping she could convince the person who had drawn butterflies everywhere on their body, that maybe the world really did want them.   
please, just stay out of this  
I can’t. This is my body too. And even though I’ve never met you, you're my soulmate and I care about you.   
Fine. I’ll listen. Her soulmate's handwriting was a little shaky, but very neat, with tall, loopy letters.   
I’m guessing you’ve been having a hard time with life recently, Narcissa started.   
I guess  
Do you want to be here? Narcissa asked bluntly  
There was a long pause. I don’t know, her soulmate finally responded. I love Earth, but the people…. I can’t stand the people. All they do is bring hate and hurt to me  
I get that. But the people don’t matter. You do. Danna wrote desperately.   
No I don’t. I’ve never done a single good thing in my life  
You have! You’ve made me smile! You’ve made me laugh!   
Her soulmate replied, When? This is the first time I’ve ever talked to you  
When we were younger, you used to constantly doodle little flowers and butterflies all across our bodies. I loved to watch you draw them, watch the blocky little lines appear across my body. Danna smiled as she recalled the delicate insects she wore across her body daily.   
I thought you hated those. That’s why I stopped  
No, of course not!  
Then why did you erase them?  
Narcissa sighed. She thought for a second, then wrote, my grandfather. He hates soulmates. If he knew I was communicating with mine, I’m afraid he would hurt me. And doing that would hurt you.   
But… that means you could get in trouble right now!  
No. I won’t, I’m fine. You are more important. Tell me, what made you want to hurt yourself today?  
I guess I’m just tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being treated like a child. I want to leave my house, but I can’t. I can’t live on my own.   
Thats okay, you shouldn’t be ignored. You should be your own person, and if your parents cant see that, they’re idiots!!  
Narcissa capped the pen, and tried to wrap her blanket around her arm, the blood slowly soaked through the fabric, staining the blanket a bright red. How would she explain that to her grandfather? It didn’t matter right now though. Right now, she had to make sure her soulmate was okay. That was her one and only goal. Nothing else mattered. Narcissa had the opportunity to maybe save a life right now. That’s what she had to do.   
They aren’t. I’m the one who’s screwing up, her soulmate replied. I cant ever get anything right. Im just a big mistake that shouldn't even exist. The worlds probably better without me  
THATS NOT FUCKING TRUE! Narcissa scrawled as quickly as she could. I dont believe it. Not for a second. Just by being here, you’ve made the world a better place. Everyday, I wake up and check my body for some indicator that you’re here. I can’t help but think about the fact that there is someone out there meant for me. And I’m meant for someone.   
I guess…  
Narcissa sighed heavily. She had to go to bed before her grandfather woke and saw her light on.   
Are you okay? She wrote. Are you in any danger? If you are, im here. For both of us  
A minute passed before the reply came. I dont think so. I think im better. But… if i feel bad again, can i talk to u? This actually really helped me. Thank you  
Narcissa smiled. Of course!!! Just, could u write somewhere less obvious?  
Sure. I understand.  
Narcissa smiled gratefully. How ‘bout our ankles? That’s less obvious and easy for me to hide  
She felt pressure on her right foot, and slid it out from beneath her blanket. A smile, and little butterfly doodle greeted her eyes.   
Good night, soulmate, Narcissa wrote  
Good night. Sleep tight. And… thank you.  
Narcissa smiled. She slid out of bed, and held her arm close to her chest while creeping to the bathroom. Once inside, she scrubbed all of the ink off her skin, and bandaged the red slit shut.   
Narcissa and her soulmate were okay. That was all that mattered. Everything was alright. At least for now. But now was the only thing Narcissa could bear to think about.   
\---  
After that one night, Narcissa’s soulmate never hurt themselves like that again. But that didn’t mean they weren’t hurting. Narcissa could tell they were hurting themselves in other ways.   
She tried to help. She wrote reminders every few hours, telling her soulmate to eat, and drink water. She wrote encouraging messages, and doodled across their skin.   
But still, Narcissa would feel her stomach growl with hunger, and her tongue beg for more water. She felt her eyes grow heavy even though she had slept almost 10 hours the night before. Her soulmate just didn’t care, and there was nothing Narcissa could do.   
They would talk to each other constantly, ranting about their day, or commenting about something they saw. Narcissa grew much closer to the person she had never even seen the face of. Closer to them then anyone else she had ever known.   
Even her grandfather.   
Narcissa had a very strained relationship with her grandfather. She knew deep down he loved her, but he had a hard time showing it. He was caught in a life of crime, and there was no way out.   
He had been an arms dealer for years, selling guns and other weapons on the black market. He made a lot of money, but not a lot of friends. He was a bitter old man, who took all of his anger out on Narcissa. He had never hit her, but his words were hard enough.   
Narcissa knew she was being abused, and belittled, and manipulated, but she always ended up excusing his actions. Or even worse, sometimes she would place the blame on herself. She knew she was in a bad situation, but it was one she was stuck in.   
Narcissa talked about him lots with her soulmate. It turned out, they had a similar situation with their parents.   
Mistreated, abused, bullied, shamed.   
The two escaped into their skin, engrossed with each other. They held each other right through the pain and the tears. Though at times, both of them desperately wanted to, they held strong and never hurried themselves for fear of hurting the other.   
\---  
One day, the straw finally snapped for Narcissa. She was 17 now, and old enough to live her own life. Old enough to understand what her grandfather gave her wasn’t love, it was trauma.   
After he yelled at her for an hour straight because she put a book in the wrong bookshelf, Narcissa decided she had taken enough.   
Can we go? She desperately scrawled across her ankle. Can we escape these sorry excuses for lives?  
Her soulmate wrote back a few minutes later. What do you mean?  
We’re old enough to live on our own. Why are we forcing ourselves to live with these people who treat us so terribly. Why don’t we just run away together?  
Ok. The reply shocked Narcissa. She had been expecting them to try and convince her otherwise, make her see the absurdity. Not agree. But Narcissa was glad they agreed. They both deserved a chance to start over. To make a life for themselves, and do it right.   
You will?  
With you? Of course I will silly. I’ve been waiting years for me to ask  
When? When can we leave?  
Whenever your ready  
A week, Narcissa declared, I’ll meet you in a week at Gatlon City, at the train station  
Ok. I’ll be there, I promise, her soulmate wrote.   
Me too. Narcissa grinned. She was finally escaping. Finally starting fresh. Finally leaving her grandfather to be with someone who truly cared. Narcissa couldn’t wait.  
\---  
Narcissa creaked the door open, cringing as the hinges squealed loudly.   
“Just where do you think you’re going?” Her grandfather slurred from the couch.   
Shitshitshitshit, Narcissa though. She was caught. She was never going to escape her life.  
“I told you earlier this week I’m going to a friends house tonight,” Narcissa said lightly, trying to mask her terror.   
“Stop lying!” He screamed. “I know that’s not true, you don’t have any friends.”  
Narcissa cringed.   
She breathed in deeply. She was already leaving forever, there was no point in lying anymore.   
“Fine I’m leaving. For good.” She braced herself for the rage.   
Instead, he laughed. “You? You're leaving?” He scoffed. “You would never. You’re too scared and dependent on me.”  
Narcissa drew herself up. “No. You’re wrong. I’m leaving, to find my soulmate. We’re making our own life. Together.”  
He gaped at her. “You can’t! You can’t go to your soulmate,” he spat. “You’ll live a terrible life. You’ll be tied down forever.”  
Narcissa shook her head. “No. I won’t. I’ll live the best life I can. Because I’ll be happy. I won’t live in fear anymore. I’m sorry you weren’t meant for your soulmate, but it’s different for me. I know them. We are meant for each other. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. All you know is hate.”  
“So you’re really going?” Her grandfather’s lip curled up.   
Narrcissa nodded. “I am. I’m making my own life, as far away from here as possible.”  
“Then go!” He snarled. “I don’t want you in my house if you won’t see a reason. Go.” He picked a book sitting next to him, and hurled it at Narcissa’s head.   
She ducked, her hair ruffling by the wind.   
She turned to him, tears in her eyes. “Goodbye grandfather. I’m sorry.” She threw open the door, and fled into the night.  
\---  
Narcissa’s heart thudded in her ears. This was it. This was the day she was going to meet her soulmate. She knew she should be realistic, but Narcissa couldn’t help imagining the meeting like something out of the sappy romance novels she liked to read.   
She expected the dreary clouds to disappear, and the sun to shine out on top of them.   
She expected to know exactly who was her other half  
She expected to run up, into their arms, and kiss them like she had wanted to be kissed her entire life.   
But Narcissa knew how unlikely it was. But, a girl could hope, couldn’t she?   
She inhaled deeply. Uncapping the pen with her teeth, she scrawled on her palm, I’m here   
Me too, her soulmate wrote back. The familiar loopy red marks eased Narcissa. She knew this person. This was her soulmate. Everything was going to be okay. It would all be okay.   
Her eyes locked onto a girl standing near a bench, her head bent over her hand, a pen tucked behind her ear.   
Somehow, Narcissa knew. She knew this was the person she had been searching for her whole life. She knew that the girl was her soulmate.   
Summoning every miniscule scrap of courage Narcissa could find, she approached the girl.   
She tapped her shoulder. “Hi,” Narcissa breathed, heart pounding. “I’m Narcissa. I think I’m your-”  
She was interrupted by the girl throwing her arms around her tightly.   
“I’ve waited so long to meet you,” Narcissa’s soulmate said roughly, her voice thick with tears. “I’m Danna.”   
Narcissa laughed. She realized she was crying. “Me too.”  
“I feel like I already know everything about you,” Danna laughed. She swiped her eyes.   
Narcissa nodded. “I know we’re soulmates, but I want you to know I understand if you don’t want me,” she said. “I get it- not all soulmates are really soulmates.”  
She was cut off by Danna pressing her lips to hers. “I want you,” Danna breathed. “You're the one who I’ve trusted with every secret I’ve ever held. You’re the one who helped me when no one else could. You’re the one who took care of me.” Danna held their hands up, exposing the thick identical scars that spread across their wrists. “You are the only other person in the world who understood, and actually helped me. You were the hands that held me.” Danna reached her hand to Narcissa’s face, wiping away her tears. “I want you, and no one else.”  
“Me too,” Narcissa whispered. “Me too.”


End file.
